Lately, God has been wrecking me.

I pray and I pray and I pray, asking God to teach and lead me. Then this past week, I’ve noticed a recurring theme, and I don’t know what to make of it. At first I just thought it was coincidence, but you know when you hear or see something two times and think, hmm, that was a strange coincidence. Then, you hear or see it again and wonder who is messing with you? Then the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th time starts to GET. YOUR. ATTENTION. First, it was the radio, I heard a story that touched my heart. Then, the next chapter in a book I was reading, then the song playing on the radio, then a person I talked to, then my YouVersion reading plan, and the second reading plan. And then, oh then, I noticed my phone’s lock screen (free, from She Reads Truth), which I had set, only 4 weeks ago, but had apparently failed to notice until I heard God’s still small voice. He had my full attention. And I stopped to listen.

So, my number is up. God is flagging me down, waving a huge red flag, chasing me out the door and yelling my name. I asked, and he is answering and it’s a big pill to swallow. God has asked me to let go of self-indulgence. Before you assume that I max out credit cards, spend hours in the bathroom getting ready, buy everything I want, and have no self-discipline, let me tell you about my life. We live on a tight budget. We have cash allotted for groceries each month, and we don’t go over. We may eat peanut butter and jelly 4 days of the week, but we don’t go over our budget. We have money allotted for eating out, and if there’s no money, we don’t go out to eat. I get $25 every pay period for clothes. $25. I mean, maybe to some of you that seems like a lot, but to me that sounds like half a pair of pants. I actually have to save up to buy a shirt, and new leather boots? I mean come on, that’s 3 months of penny pinching folks…for boots. So I only shop on sale racks, and go to garage sales most of the time, and I’m ok with it. I don’t need anything. It’s the way Jonathan and I have made up our minds to live, and the way that we have chosen to spend our money. We have a house, which we chose to spend more on every month, because we value community and love having people over. We love relationships, and to show that we value them, we love to offer our home, to anyone, anytime. We save money for babysitters, for dates, and for future vacations. And if there is a budget that I continually push the limits with each month, no matter how big it is, it’s gifts. I like to give, and I have lots of friends. I try to stay within a budget like everything else, but to me, if you can’t give to others, where is the fun in life? What’s the point? I give my time, and I give gifts. They aren’t extravagant, but they are thoughtful. I think we’re self-disciplined too. We stay physically active and work out, we eat super healthy, we pray together, we teach Truett to love God with all his heart, and we keep a fairly clean house, and our grass is usually mowed, we tithe, always pay our bills on time, and don’t have any loans besides our mortgage. I mean, I thought we were doing ok. And so this stirring in my soul really puzzles me. I can’t think of anything specifically that God may be asking me to give up…besides Starbucks. Could that one $5 latte a week be self-indulgent?

Maybe it’s not in the disciplines I already have, but in the condition of my heart. Am I thankful, or do I hold a grudge that I don’t have more? Maybe I need more God and less self. Maybe I need to pray more, and worry less.  I haven’t quite figured it out completely. All I know is that he needs my complete obedience, and the answer is on the way. In the coming weeks, I have a feeling I’ll be learning to discipline myself in unconventional ways: to not always be right, to not go places I’ve always gone, to not waste time on things that don’t matter, to not buy things I don’t need, and to not worry–about anything. It’s not because God wants to take away my happiness, that’s just the thing. He’s trying to GIVE me joy. True, lasting joy, doesn’t come from a store or from being right. Joy is something only Christ can give, and he wants me to fully understand it.

He sees the bigger picture, and I trust him with that. I can’t lie to you and tell you I’m not a little nervous for what this means. Does that mean God is going to ask us to give away our new car to someone who needs it more? That he’ll ask us to move to Africa or downsize to a 700 square foot home and give away all of our possessions? I mean maybe, but maybe not. Isn’t either ok? Maybe God is asking me to do more than that though, to change my heart’s condition at the root, because he knows that everything else will fall into place. And I know it now too. I spent Saturday morning weeding our flowerbeds and trimming the trees at our home. If I spent all morning pulling the leaves off of the weeds, that would be insanity because they’d be back in a couple of days! But I took the time to pull each weed out by the root, so it can’t grow anymore. God is asking me to pull out the root, to dig deeper and find the cause of this selfishness, this sickness of heart, this self-indulgence. Even the smallest worm ruins an apple. I asked God to show me any small thing, to make me more like him. So even this small worm must go. It’s ruining the work God has called me to do, and it’s time.

If I have empty open hands, palms up, ready to give and receive, then he can bless me. If I have clinched fists, already full of things I want, or things I’m holding onto, scared to lose, then I can’t receive or give, because my hands are already full of my stuff. That’s no way to live. Today I open my hands to others, to what God has planned for my life and my family’s life. To what’s he’s trying to show me he can give, and the miracles he’s going to do in the interior shadowy places of my heart. I don’t see what he sees. I don’t hear what he hears. And since he knows everything, and has my best interest at heart, always, I can be sure that he’s working on my behalf, no matter how it seems in the moment. Pray for me, will you? Not that I’ll hear God’s voice, not that I’ll be disciplined enough to follow-through and obey, but that God will continue to wreck me, and like a a few drops of red food coloring in bowl of white icing, my pink soul would be continually be stirred beyond something that can ever return to white.

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where theirves break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19, 21